This is about the pain of being Jenni but having to live as someone else. It is dedicated to Toni, a beautiful TS from Derbyshire, a moderator in the rxxx.com chatroom who on a night of hormonal darkness and tears heard my cries, held me through them, and who's words convinced my I am not a freak, just Jenni, a female with emotions and feelings. It is people like Toni who;s support and understanding carry so many people through so many nights of darkness, especially those who are TS and who have lived all their lives with the pain of being of one gender trapped in the body of the opposite sex. These few words that follow are in no way meant to diminish what is a terrible turmoil so many others suffer. They just capture my pain.
Jenni shares a body with Her male alter ego and no matter how often She is allowed out She can never compete. She will always be perceived, externally, as a "man dressed as a Woman" so She can never socialise as He can. Everytime social conformity is required She must climb back into Her box and allow Her male alter to take over. Sometimes this can be a heartbreaking experience for Her.
There are times She has watched the clock tick away, knowing that at a certain time Her freedom will end. She is female, an emotional person, and the tears will not stop running as the minutes ticks away. The feelings of desolation and despair as Jenni must give way to Her male alter ego are indescribable. Sometimes,even when Her male alter ego is in charge and doing the "normal" things Jenni will be screaming inside to be released.
As the male sometimes I have to stop myself, force myself, from allowing Her out and becoming Jenni dressed as a Man. This is not because I, the Male, wish to become Jenni. It is because I know my responses as a male in some situations are inferior to those of a female yet for social conformity I have to respond as a male.
These are not new tears. There are many times in the past I have felt my feminine brain and person within want to assert itself, many situations when I wished I could repond as a woman, not as a man. However with having no female alter ego they were easier to supress. Now Jenni is here, and here to stay, She has made that feminine side very real and impossible to supress even when She has to be kept concealed.
This is not a cry for sympathy, a plea for an arm to be put around my shoulder, a request to pass the kleenex. It is a description of what it is to have a tangible alter ego. When you see Jenni, or other girls like Her, She is not a bloke dressed as a woman, boy pretending to be girl, She is Jenni, a person in Her own right, a person of a female gender even if She has the sex organs of a male. I am not sorry this has happened, that I have allowed my female persona to have its own alter ego, its own life, its own identity. Whilst it will cause many days of anguish in the future, produce many moments of tears, nothing can overshadow those moments of joy when Jenni can live Her life as Herself.
Where Jenni goes from here is uncertain. She is now the dominant alter and wanting to live lifestyle later on this year. Her body is changing physically and mentally. Her mind is stronger. Whether She can go on to live lifestyle 24/7, is another decision yet to be made. The answer will probably be no. She will probably judge the devastating consequences on others to be too much, especially close friends and family.