I originally found myself being interviewed by a trauma psychiatrist who identified in the first instance a form of Post Traumatic Stress disorder, starting with the trauma of those events leading to my sudden retirement, followed by a whole string of personal and family traumas. However his attention soon focussed on why the pain of those trauma's had not been released. He identified a mind that would never relax, never give itself time to reflect, time to heal, a sure sign of deep internal unhappiness and conflict. By this time Jenni had truly emerged so I was able to tell him of this sleazy unnatural compulsion I had to live and dress as a Woman. Over the next few interviews the psychiatric head started to nod sagely, finally sitting me down and explaining in his opinion I was suffering with a medical disorder called Gender Dysphoria, I was Transsexual and his recommendation was a referral to the NHS Gender Identity Clinic at Charing Cross hospital.
For over an hour I contested this diagnosis. How could I have GD, at no time in my life up to 18 months ago had I experienced a desire to even cross-dress let alone be female. It must be wrong, it must be a fantasy, escapism, an escape from those events of that terrible year starting 2 1/2 years earlier.
I refused to accept the diagnosis and in floods of tears I also refused the referral choosing instead to seek help from a Private psychotherapist who specialised in Gender Identity problems, my brief to him being "stop Jenni taking over my life, restore me to normality". It was immediately apparent to him that as far as my brain was concerned Jenni was normality, the abnormal life was the manic, frantic life I had led proving to the world I was a bloke and supressing GD. However I still fought against it, still refusing to believe I was transsexual, still refusing to accept that the only way I was ever going to move forward and have a life was to live in the Gender Role of a woman that would match the Gender Identity I was born with, that of a Female. Over the next few weeks it fell to this psychotherapist to explore every corner of my mind to find out why there was such resistance internally, for unitl I could accept there would always be that terrible inner conflict.
By this time I had come out to my Wife who quite naturally had issues of her own to deal with. She sought help from a consultant at another Gender Identity Clinic who also in due course interviewed me. His conclusion matched those of others, despite my reluctance to accept it I was suffering with Gender Dysphoria, I was Transsexual, transitioning from male to female was the only way forward. He in turn referred my to probably the most eminent specialist in the country, Dr Russell Reid,. Doctor Reid was in no doubt. I was a Primary Male to Female Transsexual person, primary meaning it was a condition I was born with, not something acquired through lifestyle.
By the time I had got to the Russell Reid consultation I had at last achieved acceptance in my mind of who I was and the journey I was going to have to make, a process helped enormously by a strong, loving partner. Neither my wife nor I wanted this, but my wife was quick to face reality, embrace Jenni into her life and starting the process of moving forward. The greatest fortune I have had in my life is to be married to a woman capable of offering such huge, unflinching support. Dr Reids Diagnosis, the fourth opinion, was the one I could accept.
I am now incredibly happy. Living my life in the gender role of a female has brought me the happiness, the internal peace and contentment, so many of us take for granted. However where most people are born with that capacity for peace and contentment, I was born with only the capacity for deep internal anguish and unhappiness until the Disorder was diagnosed and I could accept undertaking the remedial steps to relieve the symptoms. I would rather not have the diagnosis, would prefer not to have Gender Dysphoria, would really really prefer to live my life happily in the gender role that matched my physical sex, as a bloke. Just because I am now so very happy it does not mean that I relished being diagnosed and receiving official sanction to live as a woman or particularly went looking for that sanction.
Forward to "Acceptance - finding peace"
Return to personal bits
Return to home page
contact Jenni