Bit by bit thanks to David Hawley I was able to accept that I was neither male or female, each gender having qualities exclusive to the other, I was me, an individual in my own right and whatever those qualities were that formed me they could exist quite happily in a female form as they had in a male form.
The next bit in my road to acceptance was the understanding that it was my own strong mind that wanted me to be female, the same mind that had kept me going through all the adversity of my male years. It was no use beating myself believing that willpower alone could put Jenni back in her box, it was my own willpower and strength of mind that had dragged her out of her box, overcoming the 50 years of sometimes brutal nurture that persuaded me and everyone else I was really a man.
The final piece of the acceptance jigsaw was realising this was for real. It wasn't, as I had argued earlier, a fantasy, a reaction to those horrible traumatic events of a couple of years ago, a piece of escapism, a desire to escape from that very hurt and bewildered male persona, this was real, I only had to reflect on how at ease and at peace I was as a female compared to that anguished, churning male. I finally got it into my head that beyond all the internal conflict there was a very real need and very deep desire to live the rest of my life in the gender I was born into.
At about this time Joan had been to see a consultant psychotherapist at another Gender Identity Clinic. He had appraised her of how profoundly disturbing Gender Dysphoria was and how the only treatment is to live in the gender role of the psychological gender, that it does not have to be a one way unstoppable ticket to Gender Reassignment surgery and neither was it inevitable that my sexual orientation will change. My wife persuaded me to also talk to him and at the end of a couple of hours of intense interview he also voiced the opinion that I was Gender Dysphoric, a Primary Transsexual, for both our sakes, my wife and mine, I must progress towards transition and he agreed to refer me to the most eminent specialist in the country, Dr Russell Reed, for confirmation of diagnosis.
It was time to tell people. Possibly the most traumatic part of pre-transitional preparation is to sit down with the nearest and dearest, friends as well as family and subject them to the shock of the news that this very macho man, someone who had been a male rock of strength to many in the past, was now going to transition into becoming a female. It is another irreversible step. Even if in a years time I said to everyone it had all been a mistake and I was reverting back to male my relationships with those who meant the most to me would of changed forever.
We both knew the statistics. That ignorance, social stigma and blind prejudice would mean that on average 50% of people would say "Nice knowing you, we'll ring you, don't bother ringing us" but we both felt we owed it to those who were close to us to let them know. We also felt they deserved the respect of being told individually, face to face, and given as much time as necessary to ask as many questions as they wished, with total frank honesty on our part. We armed ourselves with leaflets and information books on the condition, emphasised it was medically based, not a fetish or a psychological blip, that it was for real, that this was the only way forward that any medical specialist anywhere in the world would offer us, there was no choice.
The process took close to a year to complete. In that time it took considerable subterfuge to keep my transition out of general knowledge, we wanted all those to whom we meant anything at all to hear it from us, not on the grapevine. I was spending increasing amounts of time as a female, my physical features were changing as a result of cosmetic and hormonal therapy, but we managed it in the nick of time. The week that we felt that everyone that should know did know was the week we heard it was now common gossip in the small rural village where we lived.
As for the statistics? 96% of people have stayed with us. My Sister and Brother in law are having difficulties but not rejected us, one other couple have declared they would rather end what had been a pleasant friendship, but off everyone else we have been blessed with warm, loving support.
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