With their kind permission it is reproduced here.
Gender Dysphoria is a widely recognised medical disorder causing profound anguish and unhappiness. This is one personal experience:
For most of us our Gender (brain sex, what we think and know we are), is the same as our physical sex, boy or girl. Sometimes, thanks to a one in ten thousand accident during foetal development, it goes all wrong and the brain sex is formed differently to how we are physically made. (This has nothing to do with sexual orientation, whether we are attracted to Males or Females, which is something different). Jenni Brown was born into a male body and a quick glance at birth of her physical characteristics decided her assigned gender role, decided the way she was expected to behave and who to associate and socially identify with. This was contrary to the way she thought and felt.
In childhood this was to cause great pain and confusion to Jenni who now remembers little of that time in her life (The so-called "lost childhood" that many transsexual people have). She found herself becoming increasingly isolated, unable to communicate with boys, unable to associate with girls and any failure to fulfil the role of her assigned gender causing her to be treated with scorn and derision at home. She suffered dreadful nightmares of gender confusion for about two years prior to puberty and became psychologically disturbed, sufficient enough to find Herself for a time placed into care at the age of 12 and overdosing on aspirin at the age of 13. For three years She required monitoring and care from the child psychology unit at the Portman clinic in London. However this was at a time when Gender identity disorders were little understood and the cause of those psychological problems went undiagnosed.
As she moved into adulthood and assumed responsibility for herself she was able to find distractions to her pain. Her sexual orientation is to be attracted to women and she was able to fulfill the "acceptable" sexual role of her assigned gender. She attacked life with aggressive ferocity, to outside eyes endorsing her "correct" gender role, she indulged in sports with ferocious competitiveness and became one of the leading rock climbers of her generation. she married, they had children and she went on to become a successful husband, father and businessman, There were "spikes", times between distractions when the aching pain surfaced, times when in confusion she even questioned her sexuality, but then she was very good at finding other distractions that she could, with driven, almost manic, energy , throw herself into until the pain receded.
Inevitably the ferocious pace could not be maintained and the distractions ceased. The pain resurfaced and like any pain, physical or mental, the longer it is suffered without any sign of relief the more desperate the seeking for a solution becomes. She tried to find peace through secretly just appearing as herself but a lifetime of conditioning meant she saw this as shameful and repulsive and this only added to her pain and confusion. As the desperation grew greater so the thought of destroying herself became compulsive and on a number of occasions she had to fight those compulsions with every ounce of mental strength she had left, a strength rapidly diminishing.
Professional help was sought and as she was referred from one specialist to another the layers of her mind were stripped away and the source of the pain was diagnosed. With help she was finally able to accept that living in her true gender was not something shameful and was not personality changing, she will always remain the person she is. She learned to accept that as Gender is hardwired into the brain it cannot be changed, but peace can be found through changing the sex and living as she truly is with harmony between body and mind. She found support, as she had so often in the past, from her wife and soulmate and the two are determined to keep their love and their marriage vibrant through whatever changes need to be made.
The pain, the nagging anguish of being trapped in the wrong body has now gone. The desperation to fulfil an unnatural gender role as a male has gone. The torment of feeling as though she was indulging in shameful fantasy has gone. She understands that The obstacles and prejudice to be faced in the future are immense, but such is the happiness and contentment inside her that is now released there is no anxiety, only joy at being herself. Has she changed just because the outer wrapping is different? No. She is still that same person inside, just more at peace now.
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